AgingIsABitch

 ButIAmABiggerOne

By V, Martin 

Believe me when I tell you that living without a family is one of the hardest and challenging nightmares a person can go through. Only you don’t get through it because it never lessens or fades because family never, or isn’t suppose to, fade or lesson. Family never goes out of style, having people never gets old. It, of course is one of the key elements to living a long healthy life. Ruling me and most other former wards of the state, out. Just another way society is reminding us not to live too long.

When you are a potential drain on society, a criminal in the making, everything seems to point you in the same direction; suicide. It’s either that or go to prison for someone, or become what you and every other disposable person tries to avoid; a burden. No one makes it alone. Family is everything, without someone you are no one, the list goes on. There is nothing that says hang in there, your future is bright, you have someone one you have me. It is a rare person that can look beyond so much that society has crippled these people with. I am one of the lucky ones so far but I am painfully aware that that could change on a dime. It is the time you feel the most alone, when something happens good or bad and you turn to share it with the one closest to you and that person is always a stranger. There is no experience if you can relive it in memory with someone else that was there. 

All my experiences are just that, mine. Everyone has left me or I have left them or they are dead, like me. Alive but only on the outside, inside I’m chaos but organized. My only hope is that someone will understand before I’m done that I doing the best that I can. If I wasn’t so damaged I might have done better but as it is I should be dead. People don’t get my sense of humor labeling me negative but you be the judge. Pointing out the irony in situations is better done by people that maybe aren’t the subject? I make people uncomfortable and I am not worth knowing. I have learned to live with that and want to live alone because if the truth be said I don’t like any of you either. So if you want that to happen you have to read my blogs. Hahahaha

Have I ever explained to you my winning personality? Apparently, my personality has deteriorated to the point that no one wants to even talk to me. My boyfriend is really good at isolating me from everyone. He is so insecure that he spies on me with night vision! I walk 3 blocks to work and back and he watches me walk it or some times he will actually give me a ride. He spies on me and follows me, he goes through my things and accuses me of being with whom ever. How long do I have to endure this? It’s been 8 years and I’ve gained no ground or trust with this man and he knows it but continues to not trust me. What does a girl have to do and for haw long? Forever, there is no amount of time that can give me the credibility, identity, self worth, confidence, and so much more. 

When it becomes clear that you will never know the love of your own child because you never married. It sounds ridículas coming from someone like me but I am not who you think I am but a husband with a good family would have been the only way for me. On my own and they would have ended up in foster care if something happened to me. That thought lead me to have numerous abortions and the last ending in a miscarriage. I don’t regret my decision because I do not want anyone to feel the way I did as a ward of the state especially when that very state takes my brother from me two years after our mom left us. WTF? And now he’s dead. Yet I am suppose to be all smiles and happy thoughts? Sure its only been 40 years ago but its like it happened yesterday to me. The very heart in my chest feels like it’s in a vice and its made of glass shattering into a billion pieces