DyingWouldHaveBeenBetter

Then Bleeding


By V. Martin

When I was 10 I would pray to God that I would not wake up in the morning. I was living in my 5th foster home and I hated life and soon I would hate God too. If there was a God I did not like him because he did not like me. So when I started bleeding down there I thought God was finally answering my prayers. Only I was still alive! What the fuck, God? Then it happened again and I started to hide my underwear in the back of the dresser drawer. Confused and scared I kept my bleeding to myself thinking I was to die at any time, now, only I did not. Finally, I was running out of underwear.

Then they, my foster sisters, discovered my secret and I was sat down to have “the talk”. It’s then that I was informed that I have become a woman and bleeding every month was the sign this had happened. They then went over the use of sanitary napkins and never to flush them down the toilet. That was it, the extent of my education on what it was to be a woman. To be clear, I was not dying instead I was to bleed every month for days until something called menopause occurs and then that will bring on a set of other problems, yippee. Why couldn’t I just die? God must really hate me, to take me from my family to go live with strangers to bleed and live. 

It seemed very cruel to me to do this to someone who only had love for the creator yet here we were. No one wanted me, not even God. So to keep me here seemed rather unnecessary. It was clear that I was not to have a family because I would rather kill my children then let them go into the foster care system and I did. I did for them what my mother did not do for me, I set them free. Sure, some day I will regret not having them but at the time I could not. Statistics were not on their or my side. The probability that I would not live to see them grown was too great. 

If I had fulfilled my obligation as a female woman and procreated, my children would be all grown by now. How many I can not bring myself to say but I would be considered a serial killer. Unfortunately, I would not wish life on anyone but to have taken it away from my own flesh and blood is something I have learned to live with. Of course, now I am more then ready to have a child. I still haven’t found the right father and I am no longer able to have children, thanks to menopause, nor am I worthy. People have children for the most selfish reasons but I did not have mine for those same reasons.

Life without family is really hard to live especially when you weren’t able to build a bloodless family. Some of us just aren’t that easy to love, mainly because we don’t know how. There was a time or two that I was able to keep it together enough to have people around me, wanting to be with me. Now not so much.

My astrological birth chart says different, I should have a ton of friends and family. If you believe in that kind of stuff. It was only recently that I was allowed to see my full chart, at all, why this change I can only guess. My point being is that so many things aligned to produce? Who? Me? 







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